All the Wrong Rules

When a girl says no, it usually means to try again later. At least that's how we men see it. The conversation often goes:

Me: Hi. You want to hang out sometime?
Girl: No.
Me: Are you free? Care to grab some coffee?
Girl: No, and umm.....no.
Me: What about next weekend?
Girl: No.
Me: Here, let me help you carry that.
Girl: No.
Me: You know...I'm starting to get the feeling that this isn't going anywhere.

I always manage to find myself fighting from the losing side. If you'd like to learn exactly what to do and say in order to not get the girl, I'm your man. Get your pens and notebooks. Let's start the lesson.

Rule #1 - Be Nice

There's only two things in the world that woman love to kick in the stomach: puppies and nice guys. Sure, the kick in the stomach may come in the form of coddles and giggles, but it's never too long until both the puppy and the nice guy are reduced to trailing her every step, depressingly waiting for her slightest attention, and sleeping along the foot of the bed. All we get are pats on the head when we'd prefer a good rub (that's what she said).

Solution: Guys should never say "Hi" and smile. Instead, try saying "Hey" or "Sup" with a lifted brow and a smirk. Give her enough that you noticed she's alive, and resist the urge to greet her with your usual leg-humping. Men are not cute. Puppies are cute...and we're looking for more than a belly rub.

Rule #2 - Compliment her

Yea, that's right. Nothing says "just friends" like a good old compliment from a man to a woman. Tell her she's pretty. Mention how her hair is ssthOooOOoo fabulous. Then go ahead and lock away your penis because you're not going to be using it for a while. When her friends mention how great of a guy you are, she always tells them "yea I know! I'm keeping him around just in case things don't work out with Billy, or Jason, or my sister's boyfriend's brother, or maybe even that cute bartender from that one party where we ended up wearing matching dresses, which you totally looked so much cuter in, and we got the free drinks from those creepy loser guys that said they worked for the Peace Corps...anyways, he was dreamy wasn't he?"

Solution: Insult her shoes. Keep the insults teasing and tasteful, but keep on insulting. She left the house feeling like she looked good. All of her friends were raving back and forth about how gorgeous everyone was looking in the car ride. The last thing men need is to join in on that party. Distinguish yourself from the pack, and tease her about her shoes being so small you could hang them around your rear view mirror like baby sneakers.

Rule #3 - Pay for her

What better way is there to tell a girl to step all over your heart than by starting with your wallet? Give her what she wants. Let her take your money, your time, as well as your man pride. Never has a woman been created to appreciate a man taking care of the bill. It's what's expected. Somehow, woman were lead to believe that men truly find joy in bestowing upon them our hard earned money when we men really just see it as a down payment. Paying for dinner is a nice gesture, but it ain't seductive. It keeps you friends and the bill collectors knocking.

Solution: Make her pay first. When she pays, you get control. No longer do you have to deal with the female dinner thieves, nor will you be questioning a possible second date. She'll see you again to collect on her deposit. This is your time to really make an impression. Greet her with flowers and fine dine at a romantic restaurant. Put the second date on your tab to let her know that if she gives you a little, you'll return her with a lot.

Rule #4 - Be Smart

Intelligence is attractive, but only in that "can I borrow your notes" kind of way. A vast volume of intelligence implies a lot of alone time. A lot of alone time implies a lack of coveting. And women don't want what others don't notice. If you enjoy repelling girls into the arms of other men, read a book.

Solution: None really. Just try to avoid coming off as arrogant.


Live. Laugh. Love.