Remember the time when it was ok to go knocking door-to-door and peddle for candy? Last year, I bought huge bags of candy in anticipation of satiating disguised little beggars' hunger for sugar, and I didn't get a single trick-or-treater! I was like, "are you telling me...I put all those razors in all those apples for nothing?"
It's a sad, untrusting, world we live in now. You would think that today's a better world to go trick-or-treating in than the sharp-cornered death trap I grew up in. We actually know where the sex offenders live in our neighborhoods now. Sure they give out the best candy...but at least kids aren't playing Russian roulette for Dum Dums.
The sheer idea of Halloween was mind-boggling as a child.
"Are you telling me that if I cover my face and knock on a couple doors, people will give me candy? Whoa, whoa...wait...so you're telling me that old man Anderson...the guy that keeps turning on the sprinklers every time I try to get my ball from his yard...the grumpy grandpa that took the air out of the tires on my BMX...he'll give me bushels of Kit-Kats and Butterfingers just as long as he can't recognize me for the night? Ma! Get my Krueger mask! Let's do this."
It was about more than eating the candy too. Only the naive 5 year old would skip through the windy evening with a pumpkin pale. Once you go pro, it was pillow case time. And you couldn't grab just any pillow case. The one you slept with could hold, what, 5 maybe 6 pounds of loot at best? This was a once in a lifetime deal! You'd NEVER get a chance to do this again (until next year). The occasion called for the king-sized, and it wasn't over until the sack was filled to the brim. Hopefully, your mom would be so impressed by the 20 pounds of sugar pillaging that she wouldn't even notice the skuffs and tatters from dragging her 100% hand-woven silk cover through the mean city streets.
Anyways, we were tough as kids. Trick-or-treating was no easy business. There were dogs, cats, and even theiving teenagers to worry about. An army costume, or little man's police uniform, wouldn't cut it. Treking through the hard blocks, you needed to protect yourself: BB guns, slingshots, water guns filled with urine, something, anything. But ohhhh no. The moms would take them away before ushering you out the door, ironically reminding us, "you be safe now." Wtf?! If you want me to be safe, give back my super soaker. It's a war zone. Now what do you expect me to do with so much candy corn and no slingshot?
The best part was coming back home to gaze upon and admire the spoils of your conquest. It was time to peel off the sticky rubber mask, take a much needed gasp of fresh air, kick off the L.A. Gears, and begin sorting the goods into piles of "eat now" and "trade later." Ahhh...nothing like a good old laffy taffy to ease away a sugar induced tummy ache.
What's it like being a kid on Halloween now? I hear sad stories of Halloween parties with soda and cupcakes. People tell me of visiting shopping malls for peppermints, or longer nights of worship at church. It's like children are growing up covered in bubble wrap. There's no risk, but there's also no reward.
I guess it could be a miracle that I've managed to survive childhood. Honestly though, there seems to be too much sheltering of children today. Maybe it's because I put forks in toasters as a child, that I don't need to be electro-shocked for depression as an adult. There might not have been a person around to tell me my bedroom was not the ideal place to set rubber bands and twisty-ties on fire, but I sure learned a lesson when my trashcan burst into uncontrollable flames. All I know is that when I'm a dad, I won't raise my kids ignorant and inexperienced in life. Even though they may get hurt on occasion, it's best to teach them how to use sound judgment rather than quiver back in fear.
Happy Halloween! =)
Just Give Me the Candy and No One Gets Hurt....
It amazes me how small a woman's expectations for her man can be. As if for a single moment she could get his eyes to share a gaze of inexplicable appreciation, she'd be happy.
Yet, God can be cruel. The same feeling a woman gets from lovingly nestling her head where she could follow her man's breath, we men don't feel until the other side of the bed turns cold.
There's something about a woman's eyes. We can be picking our noses while trying to decode the toaster's instruction manual, quivering between the intimidating aisles of the neighborhood Bed, Bath, and Beyond, or breaking wine glasses while crumbling under the pressure of her family's approval. And despite failing our own standards, we somehow gain the endearment of hers. It's unfortunate how easy it can be to be deceived.
Love seems to be more blinding for women than men. Women can look at a man and appreciate him for all of his potential...but the truth is that a zebra can't change his stripes (let alone fly).
Practice makes perfect. It's curious why we believe this to be true for only the better and not also the worse.
With each passing day, we learn how to get better at the things we have done. If you pass an opportunity for fear of failure, you will only become better at avoiding progress. If you regularly enjoy the irresponsibility of weekends, you will soon find yourself drinking on weekdays. And if you cheat in your present relationship, you will eventually hear yourself rationalizing your chronic infidelities.
Why do women put up with having so much less than deserved? Well...I guess it's for the same reason everyone does...afterall, a turd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
A Geek's Guide to Girls
I read a very amusing article called "A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys." It got me wondering, what about a geek's guide to girls?
You're likely a geek if you have tons of random information and an opinion on nearly everything. But much like your backed-up sexual energy, it's best not to unload it all on her at once. I know it's tough because you never seem to get the opportunity to express yourself with other human beings. Have faith. With your wealth of knowledge and endearing quirkiness, time is your friend.
If you want people to think highly of you, speak as little as possible.
The fact is that NO ONE listens. Women don't listen...they sense. And men...well...we're just dense. You already know that you're smart. You're always right anyways. It's time to take note that women mostly care about how you make them feel while you're saying something. You don't even have to really listen to their stories about their cat Mittens. Just make sure you make them feel important.
Don't just plot out the dots, connect them.
A consequence from your mostly solitary life is that you've acquired massive amounts of knowledge in a wide array of topics. Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting about constantly stating the obvious. If you're going to take her down the boardwalk of your brain, you wouldn't sporadically interject to point out "stop sign...puppy...my cat's breath smells like cat food" and expect her to thrust herself into your mouse-clicking embrace. Swooning her with the might of your intelligence requires making associations. She's never going to check your facts, but she will appreciate sharing unique moments of your life. A better way would be saying, "the last time I was at this stop sign, I saw the fluffiest puppy ever. And then all of a sudden, my cat started going berserk and climbing my face. I just remember the stench of cat food in her breath as she kept meowing in my eyeballs."
Let her...uhhh...ummm.......finish your thought.
Woman LOVE synchronicity. The idea of being on the same brain wave as another person is as romantic as romance can get. Don't be stupid and try to guess which direction the hamster's running in her head. The odds are you'll get it wrong...really, badly, majorly turned-offingly wrong. Invite her to complete a thought you were having. For two or maybe even three times in the night, pause in mid-sentence with a facial expression hinting at a search for a fill-in-the-blank. If you've won any points for the night, she'll take at least one guess as to what you're looking for. No matter what she inaccurately guesses, be amazed at her ability to complete your thought. It's a hell of a two-fer to let her be right and feel like she's in sync with you.
Approximate her personal space.
You're always aware of how close people can stand next to you before you feel uncomfortable. Well, she is too. If you inch closer and she steps back, stop. You don't have to actually touch her to make her feel violated. For women, there's a fine line between intimacy and creepy. Take measure of the empty space between as you walk side by side. An elbow distance apart means that she's only feeling friendly with you. Anything closer than the length of her forearm is good reason to believe you're winning some points.
Conan O'Brien is the sexiest man alive.
Knowing your weakness is a man's greatest strength. The breadth and depth of your intellect is a strength that few possess. Your girlish throw of a football on the other hand doesn't have to be something to be embarrassed about. Use your wit to poke fun at yourself. Keep it light and laughable. Pandering for pity doesn't get you anywhere. Confidence is a person's ability to accept their flaws, not to boast about their strengths.
Although she's the cat's pajamas, she ain't all that.
Call her stupid. But not just stupid...call her stuuupid (with a smile and upward inflection in your voice). She's got quirks just like you. No matter how gorgeous she is, she's got her insecurities. Make her feel a little bashful for being a little clumsy, or not quite up to speed. Don't brutishly belittle her in public. You only want a quirky moment between the two of you to let her know that you like her as a person, clumpy mascara and all.
I will leave you with this most important point. After learning the techniques, forget them all. There's no sure-fire way to fall in love (or get laid if that's all you're interested in). The best way to go about life is to be happy with who you are and who you are not. Never allow yourself to be the victim of other people's opinions. Be your plain-old natural self. If she's naive enough to fall for simple tricks, she's probably not worth your computer programming time.
"...by understanding how a few become great, all can become better."
There's a great article on why talent is overrated, written by Geoff Colvin. My favorite part is his ending statement, "...by understanding how a few become great, all can become better."
It's funny how we all want to be the center of attention, yet it's those around the borders that define what's in the middle.
What If....
What if dollars didn't have slave owners on them? Hmm.....
Don't forget to Vote this November!
Vote any which way you want....just keep voting. We complain about our parents' running our lives, yet we never vote to make our own rules. It's our future.
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