Just Give Me the Candy and No One Gets Hurt....

Remember the time when it was ok to go knocking door-to-door and peddle for candy? Last year, I bought huge bags of candy in anticipation of satiating disguised little beggars' hunger for sugar, and I didn't get a single trick-or-treater! I was like, "are you telling me...I put all those razors in all those apples for nothing?"

It's a sad, untrusting, world we live in now. You would think that today's a better world to go trick-or-treating in than the sharp-cornered death trap I grew up in. We actually know where the sex offenders live in our neighborhoods now. Sure they give out the best candy...but at least kids aren't playing Russian roulette for Dum Dums.

The sheer idea of Halloween was mind-boggling as a child.

"Are you telling me that if I cover my face and knock on a couple doors, people will give me candy? Whoa, whoa...wait...so you're telling me that old man Anderson...the guy that keeps turning on the sprinklers every time I try to get my ball from his yard...the grumpy grandpa that took the air out of the tires on my BMX...he'll give me bushels of Kit-Kats and Butterfingers just as long as he can't recognize me for the night? Ma! Get my Krueger mask! Let's do this."

It was about more than eating the candy too. Only the naive 5 year old would skip through the windy evening with a pumpkin pale. Once you go pro, it was pillow case time. And you couldn't grab just any pillow case. The one you slept with could hold, what, 5 maybe 6 pounds of loot at best? This was a once in a lifetime deal! You'd NEVER get a chance to do this again (until next year). The occasion called for the king-sized, and it wasn't over until the sack was filled to the brim. Hopefully, your mom would be so impressed by the 20 pounds of sugar pillaging that she wouldn't even notice the skuffs and tatters from dragging her 100% hand-woven silk cover through the mean city streets.

Anyways, we were tough as kids. Trick-or-treating was no easy business. There were dogs, cats, and even theiving teenagers to worry about. An army costume, or little man's police uniform, wouldn't cut it. Treking through the hard blocks, you needed to protect yourself: BB guns, slingshots, water guns filled with urine, something, anything. But ohhhh no. The moms would take them away before ushering you out the door, ironically reminding us, "you be safe now." Wtf?! If you want me to be safe, give back my super soaker. It's a war zone. Now what do you expect me to do with so much candy corn and no slingshot?

The best part was coming back home to gaze upon and admire the spoils of your conquest. It was time to peel off the sticky rubber mask, take a much needed gasp of fresh air, kick off the L.A. Gears, and begin sorting the goods into piles of "eat now" and "trade later." Ahhh...nothing like a good old laffy taffy to ease away a sugar induced tummy ache.


What's it like being a kid on Halloween now? I hear sad stories of Halloween parties with soda and cupcakes. People tell me of visiting shopping malls for peppermints, or longer nights of worship at church. It's like children are growing up covered in bubble wrap. There's no risk, but there's also no reward.

I guess it could be a miracle that I've managed to survive childhood. Honestly though, there seems to be too much sheltering of children today. Maybe it's because I put forks in toasters as a child, that I don't need to be electro-shocked for depression as an adult. There might not have been a person around to tell me my bedroom was not the ideal place to set rubber bands and twisty-ties on fire, but I sure learned a lesson when my trashcan burst into uncontrollable flames. All I know is that when I'm a dad, I won't raise my kids ignorant and inexperienced in life. Even though they may get hurt on occasion, it's best to teach them how to use sound judgment rather than quiver back in fear.

Happy Halloween! =)