A Geek's Guide to Girls

I read a very amusing article called "A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys." It got me wondering, what about a geek's guide to girls?

You're likely a geek if you have tons of random information and an opinion on nearly everything. But much like your backed-up sexual energy, it's best not to unload it all on her at once. I know it's tough because you never seem to get the opportunity to express yourself with other human beings. Have faith. With your wealth of knowledge and endearing quirkiness, time is your friend.

If you want people to think highly of you, speak as little as possible.

The fact is that NO ONE listens. Women don't listen...they sense. And men...well...we're just dense. You already know that you're smart. You're always right anyways. It's time to take note that women mostly care about how you make them feel while you're saying something. You don't even have to really listen to their stories about their cat Mittens. Just make sure you make them feel important.

Don't just plot out the dots, connect them.

A consequence from your mostly solitary life is that you've acquired massive amounts of knowledge in a wide array of topics. Unfortunately, there's nothing interesting about constantly stating the obvious. If you're going to take her down the boardwalk of your brain, you wouldn't sporadically interject to point out "stop sign...puppy...my cat's breath smells like cat food" and expect her to thrust herself into your mouse-clicking embrace. Swooning her with the might of your intelligence requires making associations. She's never going to check your facts, but she will appreciate sharing unique moments of your life. A better way would be saying, "the last time I was at this stop sign, I saw the fluffiest puppy ever. And then all of a sudden, my cat started going berserk and climbing my face. I just remember the stench of cat food in her breath as she kept meowing in my eyeballs."

Let her...uhhh...ummm.......finish your thought.

Woman LOVE synchronicity. The idea of being on the same brain wave as another person is as romantic as romance can get. Don't be stupid and try to guess which direction the hamster's running in her head. The odds are you'll get it wrong...really, badly, majorly turned-offingly wrong. Invite her to complete a thought you were having. For two or maybe even three times in the night, pause in mid-sentence with a facial expression hinting at a search for a fill-in-the-blank. If you've won any points for the night, she'll take at least one guess as to what you're looking for. No matter what she inaccurately guesses, be amazed at her ability to complete your thought. It's a hell of a two-fer to let her be right and feel like she's in sync with you.

Approximate her personal space.

You're always aware of how close people can stand next to you before you feel uncomfortable. Well, she is too. If you inch closer and she steps back, stop. You don't have to actually touch her to make her feel violated. For women, there's a fine line between intimacy and creepy. Take measure of the empty space between as you walk side by side. An elbow distance apart means that she's only feeling friendly with you. Anything closer than the length of her forearm is good reason to believe you're winning some points.

Conan O'Brien is the sexiest man alive.

Knowing your weakness is a man's greatest strength. The breadth and depth of your intellect is a strength that few possess. Your girlish throw of a football on the other hand doesn't have to be something to be embarrassed about. Use your wit to poke fun at yourself. Keep it light and laughable. Pandering for pity doesn't get you anywhere. Confidence is a person's ability to accept their flaws, not to boast about their strengths.

Although she's the cat's pajamas, she ain't all that.

Call her stupid. But not just stupid...call her stuuupid (with a smile and upward inflection in your voice). She's got quirks just like you. No matter how gorgeous she is, she's got her insecurities. Make her feel a little bashful for being a little clumsy, or not quite up to speed. Don't brutishly belittle her in public. You only want a quirky moment between the two of you to let her know that you like her as a person, clumpy mascara and all.


I will leave you with this most important point. After learning the techniques, forget them all. There's no sure-fire way to fall in love (or get laid if that's all you're interested in). The best way to go about life is to be happy with who you are and who you are not. Never allow yourself to be the victim of other people's opinions. Be your plain-old natural self. If she's naive enough to fall for simple tricks, she's probably not worth your computer programming time.