I Saw the Leaked X-Men: Origins

The Wolverine movie X-Men: Origins was leaked onto the internet earlier this week. I watched it. I regret it.

The movie made me want to exercise more and eat healthy, so I can somehow recoup the 2 hours of precious life I lost. Like all the other children in their twenties, I was the most excited over the introduction of Gambit. And like most cognitive adults in their twenties, I was thoroughly let down by the horrible storytelling behind X-Men: Bore-igins. Let's get real people. The movie was a piece of crap dumped into a backed up toilet, whereby every effort to flush it away only led to the daunting rise of more murky putridity.

One character that stood out for all reasons awful was Wolverine's love interest, whatserface, aka sexyface. The casting director obviously called the role for a pretty face rather than a talented one. Granted there's truly no such thing as bad actors, only bad directors, but there was absolutely no personality behind Wolverine's sexherface. Power of persuasion? Seriously? Come on. Every woman has complete power of persuasion over me if she touches me also. It doesn't make her a mutant, or even special. It just makes her a no-good, heart-trampling, floozy like all of the other women that have stomped through my life. If I wanted to merely admire a beautiful close-up coupled with Hollywood's forte for bad acting, I demand Kate Beckinsale or Jessica Alba (prior to her over exposure). Otherwise, cast for talent and beauty with the likes of a Natalie Portman (more Garden State than Star Wars of course).

Seriously, what was up with the repetitive shouting "Nooooooooooo!" How many times do we really need to witness Wolverine tragically shouting into the sky as the camera zooms out above him? I wish I could survive a bullet to my noggin as to erase the taint in my memories of the X-Men franchise now. Or at least give me a moment to upsettingly decry into the heavens as the credits roll on this year's most-anticipated and hugely letting down blockbuster.

By the way, was that...did I just see...Daniel Negreanu? What the fuck? Whoever had the bright idea thinking that casting a poker star would add value to the movie needs to take the chips out of their ass. I think I should apply for a job in Hollywood. Apparently, it's the only town where people fail upward.

The leaked version of the movie was missing a lot of special effects and had scenes that still required editing. Unless they decide to leave all of will.i.am's scenes on the cutting room floor, I doubt the final release will be any less craptacular. The end.