The L.A. Flake

There's a practice here in California's most populated locale that always disgruntles the earnest newcomer. In the area most well-known for the glits and glam, talk is cheaper than you realize.

If you've got some chisel in your build or an hourglass to your figure, chances are you'll spend time in Los Angeles' exciting social circuit. It's the places where pairs of silicon roam, the cool guys spend a fortune to look like they just woke up, and who you're doing outweighes what you're doing. You'll never talk to the same person for more than 15 minutes. And no matter how great of a connection you think you've made, "we should hang out some time" means much to nothing.

The L.A. flake is the broken promise of meeting again. It doesn't matter if you believe you've made a connection. It doesn't even matter if you were once old friends. Everyone says that they will call you the next day. It's just an LA euphemism for "if nothing better comes up..." (i.e. let's be friends if I'm not busy washing my cat or folding socks).

I hope you're not believing that L.A. is shallow and superficial. The primped and pimped patrons of silicon chesticles are simply too busy with the hustle and bustle to discover a person's morals and values. Time is money. That's why everyone here looks at each other's outside to find what's inside.

You're a nobody if you don't look like a somebody. You can be a bible study teacher or a devout champion of social injustices, but life will be lonely if you don't look like a million bucks. Seriously, what do you expect? L.A. is a city where a missed opportunity to score with a hottie on a Saturday night at the bar can still lead to a chance of meeting each other again during Sunday afternoon worship at church.

Just don't get your hopes up. Everyone here is too cool for school. Live in L.A. long enough and you'll start caring about not caring. Max out your credit cards to dress like you just don't give a shit...just make sure your sunglasses cover half your face. The best and brightest of L.A. walk around looking as if they had the wildest night of no-strings-attached threesomes that would make Charlie Sheen look like a catholic school virgin.

If offering empty promises and backing out of pre-arranged appointments doesn't sound like your cup of tea, here's the secret to getting Los Angelians to keep to their word. Money (or at least the assurance of more). Make sure that there's a sweet incentive for someone to hold their promise for meeting again. Don't be afraid to wheel and deal in this town. Some say that a guarantee is only as good as the person that makes it, but the truth is that you're only worth your last pay. You've gotta give to get. So a second date has gotta come with a bigger pay-off than the first.

...I just call it as I see it. I dare you to live here for a few years and believe otherwise.