The Moods of Foods: When to Eat What

Life is giving you lemons while zee 'ole stomach is grumbling. Living in the land of gluttonous abundance can make it difficult to choose what the heck to eat. When it's time to decide, let theBlueTick be your guide. Here's a half-witted list of foods to match your moods:

• You caught that liar's cheating face locking lips with your now-former bestfriend - Nothing mends a broken heart better than some ice cream. Sadly, a spoon's not big enough to fill the bankrupting withdrawal in your emotional trust. Grab yourself a ladle and drown your sorrows in a half-gallon of rocky road. Cold and crisp chocolate sprinkled with marshmallows and almonds is perfect for cooling a volcanic murderous rage into some blue somber tears.
• Your well-deserved promotion was given to that slimy brown-nosing ass kisser - The only things you'd probably want to eat are pretzels, peanuts, and the occasional pickled pig foot. Career issues usually call for heavy alcohol drinking with a medley of blasphemous rants about how you aren't getting sufficient recognition at the office, but this is an article about foods. Thus, I will only recommend alcohol's common accompanying assortment of salted snacks.
  
• The one raid you had to miss dropped the Field Marshal's Satin Vestments that would have completed your epic Raiment set - Irony just pwned you by dropping the last piece of your epic armor the one and only time you unplugged yourself from the World of Warcraft because you had to attend your stupid grandmother's stupid funeral. Now that another Night Elf's pimpled face is smiling for reaching leet status, you might as well treat yourself to some nachos. After you smoke away your glaucoma, head for 7-Eleven. Ignore stingy Akbar's nacho cheese tyranny. The machine says "free," so go wild with the squeeze cheese and chili on your round chips. Oh yea, and don't forget your 99¢ Arizona Ice Tea.
• Results came in and it's not yours - Congratulations! The blood test shows that the baby is not yours. Now is arguably one of the best times to celebrate and treat yourself to a succulent 24 ounce rib-eye steak. It's time to savor the rebirth of your life with the loss of a cow's. Enjoy one of your life's most stress relieving moments with a glass of your favorite wine and some flesh charred to medium rare perfection.

Sometimes life doesn't quite go the way you wished, but that doesn't mean you have to eat EasyMac everyday. Food should comfort you into a squishy blubberous blob of joy. Grab a big bag of potato chips and eat away your sorrows. You can always run away from your problems if you need to burn negativity's extra calories.