Love, Lust, or Alone?

Valentine's Day is around the corner and all writers have set their pens to romance. Need that perfect Valentine's Day gift? Well if you do, screw you because the rest of us need any Valentine's Day person. We fail to see how your gift giving dilemma compares to our depressing annual reminder that we rank as less desirable than two peanut M&M's.

Being alone on Valentine's Day is like being Santa Claus on Christmas. You might be there for the occasion, but you're not part of the party.

If you are going to be alone this Thursday, here's some tips on how you can spend your day:

1. Call in sick for work. If you ain't getting no flowers, you ain't gonna enjoy watching everyone else get theirs. Stay home...alone...forever...

2. Stay in bed, close the curtains, and keep the lights off. Make the atmosphere match your mood. Everyone else is doing it with flowers, candy, and romance. Perfect your lonely ambiance with the darkness of a TV lit room and Nina Simone in the background. Cry in your pillow. It's okay, it'll dry. Don't wipe your nose! Only sick people wipe their nose, and you ain't sick! Sad people let the mucus drip.

3. Get the big bag of candies and go to town. The belly you've earned from the pounds of jelly beans hasn't won you a date for Valentine's yet. So screw it all. It's time to dry your solitary tears with pounds of Ben topped with extra Jerry's. True happiness should always taste like a chunky chocolate monkey.

4. Do something crazy and rebellious! When all of the festivities irritates you to the point where you just want to rebel and show the world you are completely comfortable in your individuality, take a trip to the most intimate restaurant you can think of. Walk inside with your chin up and when the host asks how many...confidently answer, "One." Insist on being seated in the middle of the restaurant. Order enough food for two. (Remind everyone that being single is better because you've got more money to burn). Have some good laughs too. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you can't have a good time like everyone else.


All you other stupid people, in your stupid relationships, with your stupid significant others, remember that the heart of Valentine's Day is taking a moment to tell each other "I love you" or "I really enjoy your company" (for the less serious relationships). The best gift should be a sincere embrace and a sweet whisper of some of your happiest memories together. But dis life ain't no movie...so get a puppy with a ribbon or you'z ain't gettin none Thursday night.

Happy end of Holiday Season everyone! =)