Women...I'm confused

I know I'm not supposed to understand women, but some things are just downright perplexing.

I don't believe in PMS. A woman's crabby-ness derives from simple choices that she makes without regard for it's cumulative impact. Layman's explanation goes as follows:

In a slightly different way from women judging men by their shoes, I look at a girl's feet to scale where she would rank in the bitch-o-meter. Every notch higher in fashion usually indicates a sacrifice in comfort. And the less comfortable her shoes, the crabbier she will become as the day progresses. She's snappy because she loves to keep her tootsies in a vise with diamonds. There's no chemical imbalance. It's simply pain that radiates upward from her toes to her head, and then eventually formalizes itself into degrading remarks about the size of a man's penis and sudden onsets of bedtime headaches. Cute without comfort can turn ugly fast.

I don't understand why some women wait for a guy's suggestions on a date. Women seem to make guys choose the restaurant for the date, and some even go so far as to have the guy order for them. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. Because when the relationship turns serious, it'll be the last decisions he ever gets to make. We guys don't even find out until we're near marriage town that we won't even get to decide what we want to eat ourselves. "You can't have that...you have high blood pressure," she says. "Why do you always have to eat three chili dogs and seven beers when you know your cholesterol is high," she nags. The relation "ship" sets sail with men as the captain, but it isn't until we hit high water that we find out our wheel ain't connected to the rudder. Geez...it's no wonder why the captain chooses to go down with the ship.

As a single guy, I keep my home empty. It would only make sense that women be more attracted to the bareness of a bachelor's pad. When I get married, it's all of my stuff that's going to get thrown out anyway. I might as well live light now and intentionally leave her the closet. Yet, experience proves the contrary. I just don't get it. Somehow, this message gets lost in translation.

I guess I could be way off base with my assumptions. Its just that...it seems like women get more turned on with each discovery of possessions she can throw out the deeper she enters a man's life. Like, her life isn't fulfilled until she has completely surrounded a man with her decisions - material or not. Women pick away at men until the hole is big enough to be filled with her love. Is that what mothers teach their daughters before the wedding? Do mothers say, "Jane...you know you were a good wife if you can look back and not see a trace of the man from before this day." I guess I'll never know.

What do women do on a girls' night? Do women get together and brag about who threw away more of their man's stuff? Does the crown go to the one that can get the most pink on their guy? These are just a few of the weird questions that find their way in my head.

You can always tell the state of a relationship by the distance of a guy's sports stuff to the TV. If he's got lawn chairs and USC beer mugs in front of the TV, he's single. If the lawn chairs are outside but the remote is next to his beer on top of a Maxim, dating. If a football phone got hurled out into on-coming traffic, it's a committed relationship. And when there's a yard sale of old magazines and jerseys, someone just got married.

But all and all, it is true that a man is only as happy as his wife. Start your week right by making someone happy. And remember, if you had to eat a row of frogs, you don't start with the smallest one. =)