Why Men RULE the WORLD

Women. Simple, eh? Inspiration sparks perspiration for elevation. We call it the "women effect." Just looking at beauty from a distance can inspire us men to achieve great lengths in life. The most palm-sweatingly, nerve racking experience we men ever go through is melting a smile onto an Ice Queen's stone face. Once we accomplish that, quantum physics becomes a breeze.

Great achievements in history were all possible because of the women effect. Consider the world's most famous equation E = MC^2. Albert Einstein intended it to be understood as Esteem = Masculinity * Chivalry * Courtship, but the celibate scientific community translated the equation into some stupid theory about energy and relativity. If their pocket protectors didn't have the side effect of also being female repellent, these scientific geniuses might have been able to properly deduce Einstein's intuition.

This women effect can also be seen in great works of art. Moments before his brush struck the canvas, Da Vinci asked Mona Lisa if she would be interested in sharing his Focaccia with a goblet of Merlot (i know, i know...it's like he was daring her to spring her girdle on the spot). Despite not being quite the charming romantic, the evidence of his indecent proposal is decoded from Mona Lisa's infamous half-smile. All of us socially awkward men have seen similar half-smiles; it's the coyly flattered reaction we get from women when we bashfully ask for a date.

A strange phenomenon is how insecure women are about their power over men. I just don't understand it. I understand why a woman would want to stay home if she's morbidly obese with a face like beef jerky. But the beautiful ones have the power to sway the world. It's seriously perplexing at times. If just one of my nipples had the power to change opinion, there would be no limit to the abuse of my power.

For women to rule the world, females need to start objectifying us men. Be a bit more shallow ladies and allow a man's naked body to spark inspiration rather than the typical humorous humiliation. Holler and whistle at me whenever I walk by Victoria's Secret. Gawk and drool at the modest bulge in my denims. Let my plumber's crack motivate you to get that salary raise.