@#$%@#$%

I'm in such a rotten mood. Sure, the rounds of chain smoking might alleviate some of my foul state of mind, but I'm so incredibly agitated that I doubt an entire pack of cancer sticks could completely kill this anger.

If I were to gauge the pulsating veins in my forehead, the rage-o-meter would read well over burying a puppy's face in coarse sand yet slightly under middle-finger saluting little league caravans while cutting so close into their lane the screams of terrified children would tingle small bouts of evil glee. Yes...I'm so angry it's making me wordy. I feel so enraged that my sentences are running on with nonsense...been there??

What a bullshit day... It was bright with clear blue skies, and I sat here annoyed. Fucking waste.

Live. Love. Laugh. (...whenever you can avoid the shitty fucking people that make it their fucking mission to ruin your fucking mood)

Vacation Then Life Not as Usual

My nearly forgotten love for camping was resurrected with last weekend's trip into the wilderness. Relaxing in a folding chair aside a modest river eased away the anxiety of being unplugged from the world. It was so calming that I kept dozing off despite the giggles and glee's from the childish play of twenty-something year olds.

Apparently, my friends would be damned to let a river go not damned. Despite the hilarious imagery of big children in their late twenties shoveling small boulders into unnatural positions across a river, one could easily stand in awe of their intricate work of channels and flood zones. They even blocked off pools to keep the beer cold...after all, we are adults...for the most part... Everything was playful with sprinkles of practicality.

We cleared the campsite in the typical red-eyed and exhausted fashion. Even though we looked bad and probably smelled worse, our faces were revitalized from the city-induced wrinkles. As we descended away from the fresh air of the lush mountains, my cell phone reception leaked back in and gradually replugged me into society's matrix. It didn't take long for "the message" to come in...

I came back to a hurricane of ghosts from a life once past. The inevitable day I dreaded for so many years had finally come. Some heavy decisions were crapping back onto my knotted shoulders, and I wasn't returning to life as usual.

Sometimes I spend so much time looking around life from the outside that I forget that I'm in the middle of it. It's a bad habit when someone's made the kinds of mistakes I have. I must have been pretty crazy to tout around the way I have for the last decade. At least I was never oblivious. I was never naive. I just hate the idea of another person stunting my experiences. I hate backing down.

I'm grateful for the ones that take the time to remind me of how precious and fragile life can be. But what's living if it's always on other people's terms? I've always stood my ground, and although the possibility of serious consequences has returned, I find it difficult to change my stripes. I'm not sure exactly how to continue going about my days now, but I will definitely go about treading lightly. It's not just about myself anymore.

The past few days were filled with the same serious reflection I faced a decade ago. I was forced to revisit the ups and downs of the self I hoped had finally faded. And surprisingly, I came out smiling. The optimist born through the years grew strong enough to look on the brighter side of the coin. There were tons of good times through the turbulent years. Remembering some of them with old best friends was worth the bad news.

In my heart, I sincerely feel like all is going to be okay. Yet, with all the worrying around me, I'm certainly minding my ways.

I know that reading this may be incredibly vague for most, and I apologize for not being able to divulge specifics. Hopefully there will be a day when I can and will share the details...