Moderator: Thank you everyone for coming. I'd like to welcome you all to our first meeting. We've all had special moments ruined by obnoxious people. This group was created to give us all an opportunity to share our stories and help each other put those days behind us. Staying anonymous, there's no need to introduce yourself...just tell us what happened. Who would like to go first?
[Gorgeous blond raises hand]
Moderator: Yes, you. What happened?
Blond [teary eyed, she struggles to share her story]: Well...My name was called because I won an award. I got up to accept it, and right after I started to talk...ummm....he grabbed the mic out of my hand and said, "Yo, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had the best video of all time."
[group disapprovingly mumbles to each other: "What a jerk." "I can't believe him." etc etc]
Blond continues: I was shocked. I couldn't even finish after he handed me the mic back. Thankfully, Beyonce won the last award for the night and gave me her stage time to finish my acceptance speech.
[group, nodding, mumbles to each other: "Thank God for Beyonce." "I like her." "She's great." etc etc]
Moderator: How awful. Thank you for sharing that. [group applauds] Yes...[points to man #1]
Man #1 [angry]: It was my wedding day. My wife looked amazing. She gracefully walked down to the alter...I took her hand from her father...and right when we began to take our vows...he just butts in, "Yo! I'm really happy for you two, and Imma let you finish, but Tom Brady's wedding was the best wedding of the year."
[group, disgusted, mumbles again: "Wow, even at someone's wedding." "How arrogant." etc etc]
Man #1 continues: I mean, he wasn't even invited!! The happiest day of my life was ruined because he's a WHORE for attention! I'm just glad Beyonce was there. When he left, she took the podium, presided over our wedding, and married us. She made it special again.
[group, cheerful, mumbles to each other: "She's just amazing." "She's beautiful and classy." "Someone's mom raised their child right." etc etc]
Moderator: Amazing. At least there's one person in this world that has respect and manners. Not everyone can say they were married by Beyonce. [group applauds]. Why don't we go with you next [points to a black man wearing a suit].
Black Man: Uh...well...uhhh...we made history. The time had come to put aside childish things. And...uhh...well...it was the day of my inauguration. I stood there ready to make my pledge, then he grabbed the mic and said, "Yo! I know you're about to bring change and I'm really happy for you, but Bill Clinton was the best commander and chief of my generation."
[group, ever more disgusted, mumbles: "He even disgraces the nation." "Unbelievable." "He even thinks Bush hates black people." etc etc]
Black Man: I tried to stay cool. And...uhh...well...Thank the nation we have Beyonce. Before giving us a great performance, she used her stage time to swear me into office. God bless her and God bless America.
[group, inspired, mumbles: "She's a true American." "I believe in Beyonce" "Yes we can." etc etc]
Moderator: Wow. Thank you Mr., ahem, umm...nevermind, this is an anonymous meeting. Ok. One more. You, over there.
Man: My wife and I were at the hospital. Nine months had passed since our honeymoon, and we were about to give birth to our first baby. I can't tell you all how excited I was. Our companies, money, all of the success with our careers...none of that mattered. This was the greatest accomplishment of our lives. The moment came, and when we got to the delivery room, he pushed aside the doctor and said, "Yo! You're about to have your first child and all, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But baby Jesus was the greatest birth of all time."
[group, fed up, mumbles to each other: "He won't even let you enjoy the birth of a child." "God, he's just too arrogant." etc etc]
Man: I was shocked. I couldn't even enjoy the arrival of my first born child. Somehow, Beyonce was in the same hospital. When I told her what happened, she let me have sex with her until she got pregnant. Because of her, I can at least look forward to another child birth.
[group approvingly mumbles to each other: “She’s an angel.” “She’s such a giving soul.” etc etc]
[As the man sits down he gets congratulatory high fives from all the other guys at the meeting.]
Moderator: Wow…well, that’s all the time we have left for this meeting. I hope that we’ve all learned that for every cloud, Beyonce’s the silver lining. Next meeting we’ll discuss when it’s too early to claim going down as the voice of a generation, of a decade.
Posts
